They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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