it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
