I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It was confusing and full of hummus
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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