My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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