It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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