sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
