There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
