Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
