It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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