I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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