About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
