so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You pole danced in your parka.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
