I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
