On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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