"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
