??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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