I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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