Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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