the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
