On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
