I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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