rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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