i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
