And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
