You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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