I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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