Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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