I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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