I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
