i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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