he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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