Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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