Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
