God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
