hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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