Since when is my name a synonym for head?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
