my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
