I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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