To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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