she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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