you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
