do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
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I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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