I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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