That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
