im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
