I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
