I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
