Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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