I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
