there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
