This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
