So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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