Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
